nyanko chips by creamiiicandy

Gratuitous Picture of my Kid

It's been a while since you've seen Liam, if you've been following me for a while. He had a semi-formal dance to go to tonight, and he was so handsome in his shirt and tie so I had to share. Also, all clothes are my husband's; somehow I have a kid who can wear his dad's clothes. Weird.

He's 5'6'' or 5'7'', and he's making honors in school. He's a great kiddo. :)
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please try to understand

*points to icon* Yes, I'd like to drink all day long, plz and thank you *changd icon because not dw*


So I have had a bit of drama lately in My So-Called Pagan Life. And it's really hard to explain but the upshot of it is that I might need to stop learning from the particular teacher I'm taking classes in. Collapse )

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nyanko chips by creamiiicandy

Um...hi! Again. :D?

I haven't posted here for a god-awful long time, have I? Geeez.

So...updatey things, I guess.

1. Liam is in 8th grade, he is 14 years old and he is now taller than me by 3 inches at least. How did that happen? I dunno!

2. I am still in therapy, which is actually a really good thing. It's been helping me sooo much.

3. Still Pagan. 1st Degree Wiccan now. Still happy with it.

4. Family shit...is still actually kind of shitty! at least on my side. on hubster's side? Doing really well, so there's that. My brother isn't really talking to me. We sometimes nudge each other on facebook. But that's about it.

5. Personally, for me, life has never been better. I'm happy and generally stable, I've started coming out of a years-long stint of anxiety. Family life for US is very happy and peaceful. Liam is enjoying my husbands and my spiritual journey and seems to really connect with the ritual.

This weekend, I got a really disturbing memory scratched to the surface and I'm really sort of weirded out about it: I wrote this on my tumblr today:

Collapse )

But anyway, that's about it. Life is weird but decent. Feeling more like Me than I ever have. :D
nyanko chips by creamiiicandy

...a bit more positive. But not much?

So shit happened on Sunday that I really don’t want to discuss. I wasn’t involved except that my husband and brother were involved and pretty much…said some horrible things and hubby is pretty upset, and I’m pretty upset.

It brought some issues to the front that we usually don’t deal with, and the upshot of all of this is that we’re each going to start therapy in the next couple of weeks. I still have to call—I’m scared. But I’m more scared not to do it. I’ve known that I need to do this for a long time, several years, but I’ve been fighting it because My Family is From New England and We Ignore Shit till it’s too late. We are Stoic New Englanders (insert stereotype here). I have trouble asking for help and hate to admit weakness.

I’m tired of fighting my need for this. I’m tired of trying to do it on my own. I thought I had this conquered but nope. Going to try and unravel the crapola that has run through my life is going to be difficult…I hope it’ll be worth it.
nyanko chips by creamiiicandy

Thank you to everyone who posted on my last entry

I wish I could explain everything to you all, but I'm having a really hard processing and expressing myself. I feel so damn *bad* and so sad that I can barely breathe with it.

I'm not angry with anyone, oddly enough. I'm just incredibly sad, I feel as if I don't know who I am, and I feel so utterly lost. I do not know how to find a therapist/counselor. I feel cut off and lost at sea.

Hubby is going through his own thing right now, since he's kind of in the middle of this, and I really do not know what to do to make this better.

I'm tired, even though I've slept, and just can't think anymore.
nyanko chips by creamiiicandy

...so uh, hi

I've lost so much contact with my internet friends. And I need them so sorely right now.

Nothing is going right. I just. I wish that I could just have a break from all the fucking drama.

My husband is fighting with my niece. Now my brother is fighting with my husband. On facebook. About the stupidest shit imaginable. On the anniversary of my MOTHER'S DEATH.

I feel like my family is taking sides. Against my family.

There's so much hurt here that I do not even know where to begin.

I'm so fucking tired of it all. I wish I could just talk to someone who isn't emotionally involved. Unload all of it.

I can't even begin to talk about how much pain I'm in and there's nothing for me to do about any of it. It has nothing to do with ME.

It's just everyone around me and I feel like curling up into a tiny ball and just shutting out the world.

EDIT: Things seem to be calmer but I'm still upset. I'm going to have to gather my thoughts and write more coherently about things. And I think I might need to see a counselor. Shit is getting too difficult for me to handle without some one to bounce things off of that isn't emotionally involved with my life. I'm sort of overwhelmed and it's not good.
rainbows are subversive

*checks* nope, still not dead.

So I will do some bullet points.

--T-minus 6 days for my sister-in-law's wedding. I have a pretty dress to wear. I will look stunning. Other than that: not really looking forward to it. In general, I dislike any family gatherings where my sister-in-law is the focal point. My in-laws are rather shameless about their preference for one child over the other. It's really not a comfortable situation. I also think that my sister-in-law is a little nutty for getting married at barely 21. YMMV.

--We have a new kitty! she was being abused by her owner, and hubby said that we would take her in. (yes, he checked with me!) She's another black cat. All black. But her eyes are a gorgeous pumpkin-y orange, and she's more round-y than our other cat. She's sort of hidey at the moment and we hope that the cats will get along (they seem to be giving each other space at the moment), that the dog will not get too injured in dealing with the cat, and that everyone will be comfy with each other soon.

--Spiritually, I'm delving deeper. Not really ready to discuss it on the internets yet. But it's good. :)
rainbows are subversive

...no. Seriously. I'M NOT DEAD, REALLY.

Uh. wow. It's been a while.

I'm not dead. Really. I'm not.

Just busy as heck. All good things, really.

Liam has started seventh grade. He's doing pretty good and the school is listening when we ask them for stuff, so we have hope that maybe we will have a better year.

Still learning lots and lots of stuff in my Wiccan/pagan journey and it's really just...better than I ever could have hoped or dreamed. I *may* create a filter for this so anyone who doesn't want to hear about the "woowoo" stuff can beg off. :)

Dad's estate is all settled now, which is a relief. Now for the actual "stuff" part: organizing genealogical records and pictures, etc. I have a scanner now so maybe I'll scan and share some pictures here.

Still posting fic, mostly Homestuck, over on AO3. Starting to finish my Hunger Games fic over on ff.net.

I have been busy with various lessons, classes, and lots of family stuff on the weekends. I've left the Episcopal church behind now--it was time to leave. I still love the church but I am just...well, I'm no longer Christian, so I felt it was time. I'll be going to our local Unitarian congregation with Joe and Liam.

I got Blossom accepted over at Milliways...gotta get her in at some point...though at this point, I'm starting to think I *may* just wait till Halloween. For reasons. Good reasons. :)

How is everyone over here? Miss you guys.